Blue Pieces of a Broken Mosaic
by Maugurt
Summary: AU. Piper's life is perfect. She has the perfect fiance, the perfect house and the perfect job. Anyone on the outside can see that the mayor of New York is living the dream. However, when the doors closes behind her, Piper seeks comfort in the worst way. TW: Drug and alcohol abuse.
1. Chipping the Paint

Chipping the Paint

Piper was pacing back and forth in her kitchen, eye twitching like crazy. She couldn't tell if it was because she was anxious, angry or just scared. Maybe a mix of the three. During her two years in office, she had never come close to this amount of restlessness. Her stomach was twisting uncomfortably and she had to grab onto the counter to focus on something else. It did little to nothing and soon she found herself bent over the expensive marble, elbows placed firmly on the hard surface while her face was buried in her hands. She could feel how moist her forehead was and how much her hands shook. It wasn't the time to be unstable. Focus. She had to focus.

One. Two. Three. Four. The air felt thick, inadequate, and wouldn't give her enough oxygen.

Five. Six. Seven. She squeezed her eyes shut, focusing on breathing.

Eight. Nine. Just breathe.

Ten.

There was a buzzing sound from the intercom, signaling that someone was at the gate. Shit.

The blonde woman took one last deep breath, the sound from the electric device making its way into her bones, vibrating, buzzing like a mosquito flying around her head. It couldn't be waved away. The pulsing sound waves kept hitting her and there was nothing she could do about it. Except answering the call. She had two options; ignoring it and wait for her guards to get rid of the person responsible for the buzzing, or letting said person inside. What she was about to do, or not do, was highly irresponsible and could have dire consequences. Assuming that she would get caught. She swallowed thickly and walked towards the source of the loud sound, clicking the button to answer the call. The screen lit up, giving off a blue hue, and the person standing outside her gate wore a black leather jacket, black hair making its way past the shoulders. Judging from the person's silhouette, it was a woman, but she was facing away from the camera. Clever.

"Yes?" she asked calmly, thanking whatever Gods there may be that she'd had media training. Despite her rapidly beating heart, she held her usual tone of voice and did nothing to give away her nerves. One perk with her job, she sure as hell knew how to act. There was a tense silence, as if the unknown person was taunting her, dragging the whole thing out to make her suffer. Maybe she deserved it.

"Your, uhm... Coffee, ma'am." The voice coming from the intercom was definitely female. It was deep and kind of raspy, a slight drawl to it. Piper swallowed again, pushing the button to open the gate. If she changed her mind later, she could just get rid of it. It couldn't be that hard. When she saw that the woman no longer stood in front of the camera, she closed the gate again. It took just short of two minutes up to the house, the blonde knew that, had counted the seconds many times, but it seemed like time had slowed down substantially. What usually felt like like a three second breather, suddenly turned into an eternity. She felt her hands clam up, much like her forehead had just minutes ago. How was she supposed to look composed in front of the other woman? What would the other woman think of her? Was she reliable? Piper could see the headlines before her; "Mayor Chapman in drug scandal?!" It did nothing to calm her down.

A sudden harkle disrupted her thoughts.

"Ms. Chapman. There's a woman outside saying she brought the coffee," John, bless his soul, said with slight confusion in his voice. Despite announcing a dubious delivery, he didn't comment on it. Even after two years, it still felt weird to have bodyguards around her at all hours of the day. She had insisted that it was an unnecessary cost, but the NYC police department had practically forced her to accept their offer. Piper straightened her posture and stroke the front of her dress to straighten out the fabric.

"Show her in," she said, still sounding calm. With a curt nod, the tall man left the room. The blonde repeated her previous movement, a nervous habit of hers. It was the only outlet she could have when faced with difficult situations. She was supposed to be calm, collected, not show her true emotions. It was no wonder the pressure was getting to her. Even as a kid, she was supposed to smile prettily for the camera and just fake. Fake her smile, fake her happiness, fake her life. Everything had to look good, no one could know that the pristine exterior was a stark contrast to the crumbling interior. Little did people know, that the generous family oriented father was a cheating bastard who preferred to stay inside different women instead of his own home. His gorgeous wife could do nothing more than to get revenge by maxing her loving husband's credit cards. But the kids were alright. Right? Wrong. The oldest son wanted nothing to do with his family and moved abroad as soon as he came of age. The youngest of them, also a son, lived off of the parents' money and smoked weed every day. The daughter, well, let's just say that success isn't everything.

Piper turned to the doorway as she heard approaching footsteps.

A raven haired woman stood before her, green eyes, lined with charcoal eyeliner and framed by a pair of black, thick-rimmed glasses, two fine lines above the edges, plucked to perfection. The woman was stunning. She wasn't wearing anything spectacular, just a pair of black skinny jeans, aforementioned black leather jacket, and a white top underneath it. Either she was dressed for the occasion, easily forgettable in a black attire, or she just really disliked any type of color. The blonde wouldn't know, of course, but if she could guess, she would say the latter. She just seemed like a woman who wouldn't care for cheerful colors. Piper's eyes moved down to the woman's mouth, she was talking with her lips quirked upwards.

"Your coffee?"It sounded like mockery, but the other woman's face had an underlying understanding. She must have known that this wasn't something Piper normally did. It was that obvious. The blonde nodded, just a small movement that would have been unnoticed hadn't the other woman looked at her so intently. Even though she was grinning, her eyes were unmistakeably sharp, like she was as on edge as the blonde. Maybe she thought that it was a trap and was secretly planning an escape route.

"You don't have to worry. No one knows about you. It's not a set up," Piper assured. The other woman cocked a delicate eyebrow, grin in place, but eyes even sharper than before. Maybe she hadn't thought about that at all and maybe she just now started to distrust the blonde. She didn't seem like a person that would just throw herself into a potentially dangerous situation without having considered every possible outcome. It was hard to tell, though, as she didn't even know the raven haired woman before her.

"No one knows about me? What about the two hulks outside?" The other woman sounded skeptical, a humorless half-chuckle as she spoke. Despite the playful comment, she sounded anything but. There was something harsh in her voice, like she wanted Piper to know that this wasn't a game. Of course it wasn't, she was aware. Her whole career was at stake if someone were to know that Ms. Chapman, mayor of New York City, was about to make an arrangement with a drug dealer.

"They don't know anything. I haven't told anyone." The blonde wasn't sure if she was convincing. It wasn't a lie, though, but the other woman couldn't really know that, could she? Piper swallowed again, closing her eyes for a brief second and took another deep breath. It came out shaky. When she opened her eyes again, the raven haired woman looked at her with pity. Her whole body tensed up. She wasn't looking for pity. Pity was something only weak people craved and she wasn't weak. If she was, she wouldn't have come so far. Or maybe she was. She had a drug dealer in her kitchen, ready to give her what she craved so bad. If that wasn't weakness, nothing was. The other woman took a small plastic bag out from an inside breast pocket and put it down on the counter, hand still over it as if to shield its content.

"This is an opiate, like you asked for. It will make you drowsy and calm. Don't combine it with alcohol, it can be lethal." She spoke calmly, not as guarded as before.

"Do you warn all your costumers?" Piper asked with a nervous laugh. The raven haired woman shook her head, looking her dead in the eyes.

"No," she said curtly. The blonde clenched her jaws, suddenly feeling more nervous than before. There was something in the other's intense gaze, something that made the blonde's knees weak. It was too much. Piper averted her eyes, focusing on a little speck on the marble counter, just beside the other's hand.

"Look, I can tell that this isn't something you're used to. You can still change your-"

"No," the blonde interrupted sharply, eyes shooting right back up again, staring into deep green. "No, I need this. You don't have to play the bigger man here, just do what you came here to do." The raven haired woman adjusted her glasses, stepping closer, making Piper's heart speed up for no apparent reason. On one hand, the woman was a drug dealer and could easily kill her if she chose to. On the other hand, she had given her advice and didn't seem like she wanted her to get hurt. The other woman stood but a foot from her, staring at her, seemingly looking for something, like Piper held all the answers to her unasked questions in her eyes. The blonde's mouth opened on it's own accord, making breathing a slightly easier task. She took a shaky breath, unable to do anything else.

"100 bucks." It sounded like a whisper, but Piper wasn't sure. She felt almost dizzy, like she was already intoxicated. The other woman could have shouted the words for all she knew, she was just... lost, completely engrossed by the other's eyes. It was like being in a forest, disoriented by the radiant green from both trees and moss. But she didn't want to be found, didn't want to go back to reality. She wanted to be led astray and just... disappear. Something woke her from her trance, making her blink a few times while backing up a step or two, adjusting her suit jacket as if it had ruffled up from just standing close to another person.

"Of course," she said, clearing her throat. This woman was a distraction she wanted, but not at all what she _should_ want. What she should want was not at home at the moment. She clenched her fists, reminding herself that she was not supposed to pursue the things she wanted, but to achieve what was expected of her. Without delaying the matter further, she took her wallet out from her pocket and opened it. She had prepared some large bills in case it would be expensive. 100 dollars didn't seem nearly as expensive as she had thought it would cost, though. People always talked about drugs being one of the most expensive things you could buy and the blonde had prepared for a much higher sum. Although, not everyone was as wealthy as her, either. 100 dollars did seem like a small cost to her, but to some people it was a fortune. She took the money out of her wallet and handed it to the woman before her who still stared at her intensely. It felt like she was being inspected, like every move she made got judged. The other woman took the money after a few seconds of silence and pocketed it, not once looking at the bill. Piper smoothed out the front of her dress again, purposely avoiding the other's gaze. She could see the raven haired woman turning on her heels and without another word, she left the kitchen, leaving the blonde to her own devices. As soon as the door was completely closed, she gasped loudly, feeling her eyes tear up. She breathed heavily, heaving like she had just ran a mile. Before anyone could enter the room again and see what she had bought, she put the little bag in her pocket along with her wallet. She placed both hands on the expensive marble and leaned her head down between her shoulders, still trying to get a hold of herself. The tears were running freely and she couldn't stop them, couldn't control her breathing. It was a long time since she had cried and now that she was, it came out hysterically with snorts and rapid, almost panicked gasps. She needed to stop. No one could see her like this, see her when she was weak. She was supposed to be strong. Fuck.

"Okay, Piper. Breathe."

Onetwothreefour. She felt dizzy, like she was about to faint.

Five, six, seven. Her eyes couldn't focus, sight tainted with blurry blotches.

Eight. Nine. Time stood still and she wasn't breathing anymore.

Ten.

There was a buzzing sound in her head, a continuous white noise that filled her eardrums until she couldn't hear anything anymore. Everything turned black.

 **AN:** Hello again, readers! So this is a fic I've been working on for a while now and I'm just gonna say that it will get kind of dark. I hope you'll enjoy it.

All the love. xx


	2. Like a Clockwork

Like a Clockwork

Piper blinked her eyes open, struggling to get them to focus. The room was dark, or murkyas the light from one of the adjacent rooms was on. Even if she felt drowsy, she sat up, trying hard not to fall down on her sofa again. She must have fallen asleep. The blonde took up her phone and unlocked it. A quarter to ten. It was like her body had developed a timer as to not miss her somewhat regular 10 pm meeting. She had met the other woman five times and yet she only knew her first name; Alex. Every time she was supposed to meet the other woman, she got antsy, like it was the first time doing it. She would argue that it was because of the illegal exchange, but she knew that it was because of a different reason. She wasn't stupid. As long as nothing happened, everything would be fine.

The blonde stood up and adjusted her clothes, desperately looking for a mirror. It was highly likely that her hair was all ruffled up and that was not a good look for the mayor of New York when meeting an associate. There was a knock on the door and for a second, Piper panicked. She froze in her movements and just stared at the door as if it had caught her doing something weird. This wasn't the time to panic. In order for the meeting to look less suspicious she had to compose herself and look as calm as possible. She had at least managed to convince Alex to wear something more business appropriate when she came over, something that had made things a hell of a lot easier. Piper still had a hard time explaining to her guards why the meetings were so late, though.

"Just a minute," she said calmly, her face probably deceiving her. Good thing no one was there to see her. She straightened her posture, combing through her hair as best as she could before picking up her phone again. Ten to ten. The other woman was early and Piper didn't feel remotely ready to face her. It took her a good two minutes before she eventually called out to John. The door opened and he stepped in.

"Your coffee delivery, ma'am," he said curtly. The blonde nodded.

"Send her in." The man left the room. Not five seconds later, Alex entered the room, wearing a black blazer over a white shirt and... _Fuck_... black leather pants. Not only did she go against their established dress code, she looked fucking amazing doing it. Piper swallowed a thick lump in her throat, not being able to tear her eyes away from the raven haired woman who made sure the door was properly closed.

"You, eh... Those aren't really the kind of... Your pants," the blonde said, cursing herself for not being able to talk properly. She was used to speak in front of crowds of thousands, but Alex made her incapable of forming coherent sentences?

"Eloquent," the raven haired woman said with a slight smirk. "And you did tell me that business casual was okay. This is business casual." Alex was right. Piper smiled tightly, regretting her words. Strictly business would have been way better, but she hadn't considered the possibility of being fucked up by something a bit more casual. She wasn't much for leather usually, is the thing, but the other woman wore it _so well_. Before making herself look like even more of a fool, she crossed the room, taking out a 100 dollar bill from her pocket. Alex raised an eyebrow, but didn't say anything, just opened her suitcase to take out the little bag of pills. The blonde said nothing during the exchange, just went back to the sofa she previously slept on.

"Are you okay? You're awfully quiet today," the raven haired woman asked while making her way to the sofa as well. "I mean, I know it's not my business, but you're acting strange." Piper looked up at the taller woman who looked genuinely concerned, dropping part of her carefully constructed facade. She wet her lips, preparing to speak, but what would she say? She couldn't just spill her secrets to some drug dealer, God knows what could happen. Given her constant bad luck, Alex would run off to the press and spill everything. Come tomorrow, the tabloids would have her name and face all over them. Instead of being honest, which she actually wanted to be, she shrugged and shook her head.

"No, I'm just... I'm just tired." The other woman's eyebrows quirked upwards for a second, as if to tell her that she knew it was a lie, but wouldn't push it further. When she turned around to walk back to her suitcase, Piper reached out and grabbed her wrist. The other woman snatched away her hand, placing her own hand where the blonde's had just been and turned to face her again.

"I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you, I just- Can you maybe... stay?" Piper asked, swallowing thickly before adding a quiet, "Please?" Alex lowered her arms to her sides again, seemingly contemplating. It was a stupid question. Of course she didn't want to stay, Piper was just like any other client. She lowered her eyes and looked down on the pills in her hand. Ever since that first time, she had just cried while high. The drugs was her outlet, her chance to express true emotions, but it would be nice to be around another person instead, to feel something else than just anxiety. Maybe, just maybe, she could actually just relax if Alex stayed with her.

"Okay." It was just a whisper, but it was an answer, an affirmative answer and just the right word. The other woman sat down next to her and Piper instantly felt how her body went completely lax, like her body finally gave up after years of constraint. Even though Alex always had the opposite effect on her, it felt like her mere presence was enough to calm her down a little. She opened the little plastic bag and took one of the pills out, put it in her mouth and swallowed it dry. It usually took about twenty minutes for it to kick in and usually those minutes were spent by sitting on her bed, alone, feeling completely empty. She was glad to have someone beside her this time. They sat in silence for a little while, a comfortable silence. It felt like it to her, at least. The blonde closed her eyes and let herself lean on the other woman, her head resting comfortably on the shoulder. Alex stiffened as soon as their bodies touched, but soon relaxed as well. Piper was the first to break the silence.

"Can you please tell me about something?" she asked lowly, ignoring the surge in her stomach. This was simply a platonic kind of cuddle, nothing more. If anything, she just had a shoulder to lean on, literally. They didn't have any kind of relationship with each other what so ever, so to call it a cuddle was simply inaccurate. The other woman shifted slightly.

"About what?" Another whisper. Piper was really staring to like the calmness of the situation. She just existed and Alex just existed and there was nothing but them. No politics, no obligations, no stress.

"Something. Anything," she answered, already feeling tired. If it was because she was sleeping before Alex came or if it was because of the drugs, Piper didn't know. She highly doubted that it was due to the drugs, though, as it only had been a few minutes. Maybe her body set her up, making her feel some kind of placebo effect before the morphine could kick in properly. Again, a comfortable silence settled between the two. The raven haired woman was probably trying to come up with something to say. Piper probably hadn't given her much inspiration with her answer.

"Imagine sitting on a white beach, the sun is setting and the sound of water hitting the shore fills your eardrums." The blonde hummed contently, seeing vivid images of the scene.

"You're completely relaxed, no worries in the world what so ever. The only thing relevant is the colors that are painting the sky and the warmth from the day's last sun rays. You're safe and everything is exactly how you want it to be, need it to be." A small smile formed on Piper's lips. She could almost feel the sun warming up her face and the careful breeze that so often comes out at night. The blonde hadn't noticed that Alex had silenced until she spoke again.

"It's a little chilly now that the sun has passed the horizon, but the sand between your toes still has some remaining heat. You watch as the radiant colors turn colder and colder and suddenly, the sky is all black. But, as the night grows colder, the stars shine brighter. You can now see the Milky Way above you, all the constellations you memorized as a kid because the night sky was just so fascinating." The raven haired woman spoke softly, fondly, like she herself could see the picture she so beautifully painted with her words. The blonde saw a flash of a small Alex, warmly clad on a winter night with eyes locked on the field of stars above her. She felt her heart swell at the thought. In another life, the two of them could have grown up together, shared their childhood and youth. Maybe she wouldn't be in such a dark place if she'd had a true friend by her side through it all.

"You let your gaze fall to the ground only to discover similar specks of light along the shoreline. The sand is illuminated, much like the firmament above you." There was a slight pause. "It's caused by bioluminescent bacterias in the water."

"Who knew that a bacteria could be so beautiful," Piper whispered, as if afraid to disrupt the tranquility in the otherwise silent room. Alex hummed as an answer. The blonde wondered if the scenery was a memory or if the other woman had just told her some random fact that she had picked up. She also wondered if she would ever see such a beautiful place and truly get to enjoy it. As it seemed for the time being, what with her job and living situation, she was condemned to eternal misery. What she really needed was a long vacation and someone to spend it with. Someone who wasn't her fiance. Piper felt bad for thinking like that. Larry was a good man who truly cared for her, but she couldn't reciprocate his feelings. She had tried for a long time, he deserved as much, but at the end of the day, their relationship was built on lies. He didn't know that, though. Piper had practically been forced into the closet by her adviser, a man who had been a family friend for a long time. She had told him about her sexuality, the first person she ever told, and he had said that the citizens of New York couldn't trust a strong, single woman who on top of it all was a lesbian. It was bad enough that she was a woman, her sexuality would just guarantee a huge drop in votes and she would lose the position. So what she needed was a man, not only to make her fit into the heteronormative frames, but also to make her less of a threat. Women weren't supposed to be strong on their own, they needed a man who could back them up and help them with their duties. Mr. Healy had been very clear about that and had arranged for her to meet Mr. Larry Bloom. That was three years ago. Not only had Mr. Healy hurt her by making her hide her true self, he also hurt her unknowing fiance. Larry believed that she loved him as much as he loved her and the longer she had to fake that, the more harm it would do when the truth was revealed.

"Hey, are you okay?"

Piper sat up and opened her eyes, looking at Alex who seemed confused and maybe a little concerned. Her vision was blurry and she couldn't tell if it was because she had closed eyes for a while or if the morphine was finally getting into her bloodstream. She guessed on the latter when her body suddenly started feeling warm and fuzzy. How long had she been lost in her thoughts? Had Alex continued to talk after her little speech about the bacterias and stars?

"Yeah, no, I'm fine," the blonde answered, forcing her lips into a half smile. It was all she could manage for some reason. She grabbed the raven haired woman's hand and squeezed it tightly, like she was an anchor of sorts. Piper almost felt like she would float away if she let go.

"You're crying," Alex whispered, squeezing her hand right back. The gesture made her smile bigger, but her eyes seemed to react more to the words as her vision got even blurrier. She could tell that it was due to the tears. Usually, she never let anyone see her cry, hadn't done that since she was ten and her mother had done a poor job comforting her when she'd caught her father with another woman, but Alex was an exception. Somehow, the fact that she was a stranger made it a whole lot easier when usually, it would make her hold back even more. The other woman was apparently the right kind of stranger, a stranger who actually seemed to see her as Piper and not Mayor Chapman. Not even her parents saw her as a person with feelings anymore, although, she wasn't certain if they ever did. To them, she was someone to be proud of, someone to boast about to the neighbors. She was a topic more than she was their daughter. Blinking a few times, she cleared her blurred vision, tears making their way down her cheeks.

"I'm not okay," the blonde said despite the big smile on her lips. She gave out a chuckle, squeezing the other woman's hand even tighter. It was a silly reaction, but she couldn't keep herself from letting out more chuckle-sniffle hybrids. She had read somewhere that laughter was the body's response to panic and it didn't seem that far off given that she really couldn't control it. Her whole body was shaking and she swore she felt her rapid heartbeats pulsating in her eardrums. She closed her eyes and leaned her head against Alex's shoulder again, taking a deep breath. As long as she just focused on the other woman and let the drugs cloud her senses, she would be fine. Everything would be fine. At least for an hour or so.

"Tell me something more."

 **AN:** Hello new followers and hello old followers! I hope you're all enjoying this. I enjoyed writing it :) Thank you so much for the favorites and follows, it really means the world to me.

All the love. xx


	3. Undisclosed Desires

Undisclosed Desires

"Tell me something," she breathed, closing her eyes as Alex hummed beside her. The other had told her amazing stories, some of which were from real life experiences. Piper suspected that all of them were, but the raven haired woman hadn't explicitly told her so. Only sometimes did she say that the story about to be told was based on things she had been through. The other woman had been to so many places, many times due to work, and she had seen so many things whereas the blonde was pretty much stuck in New York. Sometimes she went to the Hamptons, but that was as far as she went. It was different when she was a kid. Growing up, she used to go to Italy with her family. They had a house in the south, backyard facing a vineyard. Carol fancied herself as the owner of it, but in reality, that was only half of the truth. She became co-owner, or more like, she got part of her foot in the company, when she befriended the man the land belonged to. When back in the states, she boasted about 'her wine' and claimed that the man had little to no part in the company, that he simply looked over the production while she was away. Piper had been a good daughter, of course, and spread that lie to everyone they knew. It didn't take long before Carol was known as a respectable wine maker in their community. What a load of bullshit. She opened her eyes again and turned her gaze towards the raven haired woman.

"Yes! Oh my God, there was this one time with a friend. I have to tell you this." Alex's whole face lit up and if that wasn't the most beautiful thing Piper had ever seen... She wanted to reach out and touch the other's cheek, stroke it and maybe kiss it, kiss her. Those thoughts were dangerous, but they had occupied her mind for a few weeks, keeping her up some nights when the only things she could see when closing her eyes were red lips and green eyes. _So green_. The blonde watched as the other woman's mouth moved, forming words that fell upon deaf ears. There was something about a broken toaster and glue, but the rest distorted into some sort of make believe language, only amused words to keep her company while she faded in and out of sensibility. She wanted to be happy with the other woman, laugh with her, but her mouth was dry and her throat closed up, keeping her from joining in. It was hard for her to find amusement in sentences she couldn't understand, but Alex's lovely laughter filled her eardrums and it was a catchy sound. Piper couldn't bring herself to muster up the energy to laugh. Her whole body protested and she felt so _heavy_ , like she was weighed down by cement blocks, tied to every limb. She was drowning without water, being dragged down to the ocean floor to be left there, dry heaving while her lungs filled with dust. Her ears told her that she was breathing normally, but her organs told a different story, feeling like they were about to crumble from being too dry. Piper met the other woman's gaze, Alex smiling widely. She returned the smile as best as she could, genuinely trying to look convincing as to not make the other's mood falter. The last thing she wanted was to be the one to make that beautiful smile fade away.

"I think you would like Nicky. She's a good person," the raven haired woman said, smile turning into a small, private one. Piper couldn't help the sting of jealousy puncturing her already weak lungs. It was like deflating a balloon, completely emptying it of air, squeezing the last bit of oxygen out of it. Out of all the moments for her to regain her hearing, it had to be when Alex spoke so fondly of another woman. Maybe she was her girlfriend. Christ, the blonde didn't even know if the raven haired woman was lesbian or even bisexual.

"Yeah," she managed, voice sounding hoarse. Alex leaned back, making herself comfortable in the pillowy sofa. Piper watched her profile, swallowing thickly as she couldn't keep her eyes from straying to the soft-looking lips. If she could just taste... Just once. Something in the other woman's posture changed, like she sagged down a little, chest rising and sinking again with a loud sigh. Alex wet her lips, swallowing just as thickly as Piper had just moments earlier.

"Pipes?" the other asked suddenly, voice sounding restrained, all traces of happiness gone. There was a pause, the blonde slightly scared to hear what was to be said. The atmosphere in the room seemed darker, like a sunset fading into the night sky. Piper could feel her body absorbing the dark color, painting her insides, making her exhale blue. She nodded slowly, breathing out a low " _Yeah?"_

"I just want you to know that I really wanna kiss you." The words sounded thick, heavy. She should have felt warm, red and orange, but the weight of the words spread black lead in her veins, making her sink into the sofa like a stone in water. There was an itch in her fingers, a surge in her stomach. She wanted to reach out to Alex, grab her face and just _give in_. The raven haired woman wanted to kiss her. The information was too much. It was exactly what she wanted to hear, but now that the words were out there, hung in the air between them, she wanted to have it unheard, unsaid. She'd gotten information that she could do nothing with. She couldn't do _anything_ with the other woman and it ached to think about it. It hurt to know that Alex was within reach, but somehow Larry stood between them without being there.

Piper couldn't answer, couldn't tell the other woman that she wanted the same thing.

She leaned down, resting her head on the raven haired woman's shoulder. Alex stiffened, but relaxed after just a few seconds, seemingly leaning into Piper's touch just as easily as Piper leaned into hers. The other sighed again, sounding exhausted. They had known each other for a little short of five months, both being completely comfortable with each other despite only meeting up for the blonde to get high. There was never anything more to their meetings, except for the stories. She knew more about Alex than most people she had known her whole life and yet she couldn't say what her favorite food was or what her last name was. And Alex knew nothing about her, nothing but the few truths the magazines wrote. Most shit written online or in physical copies was made up bullshit, but it looked good, never one to cause scandals. Oh, if the citizens of New York could see her now.

 _I just really wanna kiss you_.

The words spun around in her head, making her dizzy, nauseous even. She could kiss the other woman and she wouldn't complain, wouldn't push her away. She wouldn't be denied. There was something so comforting about that, like her feelings suddenly weren't that awful. But they were, is the thing. Piper was still very much engaged to Larry, still very much _obliged_ to marry him.

The solidity of the other's shoulder kept her calm, kept her from throwing up.

There were just too many thoughts swirling around in her mind, forcing her to shut her eyes. The bright little dots painting the inside of her eyelids felt like lucky stars, like they would grant her wishes if she concentrated hard enough. Piper wished for a happy ending, for freedom, for raven hair and green eyes.

The thing about stars is that they're already dead before the light reaches the human eye.

She felt a firm hand around hers, squeezing it like a silent promise of something Piper couldn't understand. It didn't matter, though, as it was Alex. Alex who always was there to comfort her, like a lighthouse guiding her when she was led astray. Alex who was the only constant thing in her life that made sense.

Everything didn't make sense, though. The other woman was a sinker, dragging her down under the surface and drowning her, but at the same time she was a bobber, keeping her afloat, alive. She was torn apart and yet she willingly jumped into the unknown water, chains around each arm and pulled in separate directions. On one hand, Alex had saved her from a life of loneliness, had showed her exactly what she wanted. But on the other hand she had made Piper more aware of how miserable she actually was when playing hetero. Without the other woman, she could have went on with her life of play pretend, ignored the urge inside her to be with women. But now that she had met Alex, that urge had awoken, a thirst that was impossible to quench. If only her dealer had been a man, she wouldn't be in a situation where she was so close to cheat on her fiance.

 _I just want you to know that I really wanna kiss you._

Piper swallowed thickly, gladly noticing that her mouth wasn't as dry as it felt just minutes ago. She opened her eyes, vision blurry as she had squeezed them so hard for so long. How long? Minutes, maybe hours. Probably not the latter, but she couldn't tell, too preoccupied by the whirlwind of words raging in her head.

 _Me too._

There were not enough words in the dictionary that could describe how badly she wanted to answer the other woman's statement. Not enough words in any dictionary. If it wasn't so damn complicated, if her life wasn't the way it was, she would have kissed the raven haired woman already.

 _I want to kiss you too._

The blonde nuzzled closer to the other, squeezing her hand right back. It was supposed to be somewhat reassuring, but it probably felt more like a panicked move, like she clutched onto the hand as if it was her lifeline. It kind of was. Without it, she would drift away into insanity, giving into the inevitable darkness that followed. There was no other outcome for her and she had begun to accept that. She couldn't hold onto Alex forever and when she let the other woman go, there was nothing left for her. Her body would live on, a shell that would act like a model citizen, a good mayor with a good husband and a good life. But her soul would be gone, diminished.

She had always been one for dramatic thoughts, but it didn't even feel exaggerated this time. Her soul was dying and there was nothing she could do about it. In the end, she would have to break her deal with the raven haired woman and move on, break all ties. She would marry Larry and that was that.

Despite those thoughts, there was still a sliver of hope in her that refused to die.

 _I want to kiss you too, Alex._

"I want to-" she interrupted herself, squeezing the other woman's hand even harder. Alex shifted, forcing the blonde to sit up straight. They gazed into each other's eyes, Piper feeling the soft stroke of the other's thumb over her knuckles. It would be so easy to just confess, to take the leap into the unknown, fall head first and just... Her eyes flickered down to the taller woman's pink lips. They looked so full and soft, so tempting. She wanted to bite that bottom lip, taste it. She wanted to kiss it raw.

"I want..." It was dangerous of her to think about such things, but Alex was so close to her, _so close_. Piper felt her heart in her throat, beating so hard that the other woman probably heard it too. If she did, she didn't say anything, just waited for the blonde to continue. She looked so hopeful, eyes shining in a way she had never seen before.

 _Take my heart. It's yours._

"I want to hear another story, please." The other woman's posture changed just the slightest, shoulders sinking a little and chest deflating, like Alex had actually held her breath as she awaited the rest of the sentence. Piper had let her down.

"Of course," the raven haired woman told her, shifting again to lean against the back of the sofa. The blonde hesitated for a second before she made herself comfortable as well, head against the other's shoulder. Alex didn't relax into it this time, frigid as if a stranger sat next to her, even let go of Piper's hand. It hurt more than anything that night. She didn't want to say goodbye just yet, it was too soon. Alex wasn't supposed to be the one to leave. Piper was. Piper was supposed to break the contact and she wasn't ready for that. She was selfish and she wanted things to continue. At least a little longer.

 _Please stay._

 **AN:** I want to thank all of you who have read, followed, favorited and left a review. It means so much to me and I love reading your amazing messages.

The next chapter is so much longer than what I usually put up, _so much longer_ , and I just want to prepare you for that. I don't know when I'll upload it as I'm going away for about a week, but I'll have access to internet so we'll see if I get the time.

Again, thank you so much for everything.

All the love. xx


	4. If You're Not Breathing

If You're Not Breathing, You're the Lucky One

Piper sat down at the end of the bed, clutching her phone hard. She had received a text from Mr. Healy the previous day, but she simply hadn't had time to read it before and now that she had, she regretted it immediately. The spacious room suddenly felt like a small cupboard, claustrophobia creeping up on her. She took a deep, shivering breath, but it did little to nothing for her looming asphyxiation. It was like breathing under water. Her lungs expanded, but without the much needed oxygen. With every inhale, it felt like she was drowning. She could feel herself starting to panic, desperately wanting to reach the metaphorical surface which would allow her air. Her breaths came in shallow and in a faster pace. There was a hand on her back, then, making her jump and pocket her phone. Larry looked at her with worried eyes, near panic evident in his face. His mouth was moving, but the blonde's ears were ringing. She couldn't hear a thing. He grabbed her hand and squeezed it, probably in a reassuring way, to show her that he was there for her. It only made her feel worse. Larry was such a good man, a far better man than she deserved, and his support at the moment just made her weaker. Tears ran down her cheeks and there was no way to stop them. She wasn't even sure if she wanted to stop. All she wanted was to get away from everything, but she couldn't find the strength to stand up. Her body was like lead, weighing her down and forcing her to stay in place. It was still impossible to get a sufficient amount of air into her lungs and the careful hand on her back, stroking back and forth, made her cry even harder, gasping loudly as she was starting to get dizzy. It was almost like the first time she bought drugs and fainted in the kitchen, except now she welcomed the darkness. She wanted the black abyss to engulf her, but it didn't come. It spared her when she least wanted it.

"Pipes, please calm down. Try to breathe slowly," the brunet said, calming his own breathing as if to demonstrate how to do it. Larry must have been a dictator in a previous life to have her as a partner. That was the only logical explanation to why he ended up with Piper when he so clearly deserved every bit of love that he poured over her.

"Y-You don't understand, Larry. S-Sorry. I'm s-so sorry," she stammered, surprising herself with how clear the sentences came out. Her fiance just hushed her, pulling her close in an embrace. It would be so easy to just relax into it and let him take care of her, but she couldn't. She didn't want to lead him on anymore... but she had to, if she wanted to keep her position, her job, if she wanted to make a difference. However, she hadn't made a difference, hadn't done anything at all, not anything of value anyway. She had been advised not to talk about anything lgbtq+ related as it would most likely hit too close to home and that could lead to her opening her mouth about things that should not be mentioned, almost a direct quote from her adviser. What apparently was really good, though, was to make appearances on soirees with the Manhattan socialites. It was also good to be seen at charity events and opening ceremonies. Her two year in office had been nothing but bullshit so far and it would probably continue that way. She was weak and would never go against her family or Mr. Healy.

"No, Larry, I can't... I need to- Please, just- I need to go," she sniffled, pushing herself away from the man. Larry looked at her, clearly confused, but did nothing to stop her. He was too good. Piper stood up and walked to the bedroom door, stopping to face Larry again.

"I really am sorry, but I have to clear my head," she almost whispered. The brunet nodded as an answer, dejection taking over his features. He looked like a lost puppy and it felt like a punch in the face. Mr. Healy wasn't the only one causing Larry to suffer. She stood silent for a while, suddenly unsure. What good would it do her to go? Where would she go? There was a sliver of hope in the other's eyes when she didn't leave as she had proclaimed just seconds ago. That hope disappeared as soon as more tears welled up in her eyes, though.

"I'm not bringing any guards," she said, voice rough and quivering. The brunet furrowed his eyebrows, not in an angry manner, but in frustration. He always hated when she went awol, but he never once told anyone she had gone out. Larry straightened his posture and looked about ready to stand up as well, but stopped himself with a deep sigh.

"Do you have your phone with you?" Bless his poor soul.

"Yes."

"Call if anything happens or if you need anything. I trust you Piper." The words were like a wooden dagger through her heart, leaving splinters when pulled out and thrust in repeatedly. It was like that with him all the time. Piper had his love, his soul, his whole being and she couldn't even love him in return. Not the way he wanted, the way he needed, the way he deserved. A single tear ran down her face, leaving a cold trace on her cheek. She swallowed thickly and left the room, making sure that no guard was to be seen. When neither John nor any other was seen, she made her way down the stairs in a hurried fashion and through the house. She paused for a second by the backdoor, looking outside. No one was there. Either she had really bad guards who didn't stay alert during the night, or they were really good guards who just hid well. She didn't really care at the time, though. Another few seconds passed before the blonde opened the door and walked out on the back porch. It was raining hard, but instead of feeling discouraged, she just stepped out onto the cold grass, feeling the water soak through her nightgown and silk robe right away. If anything, she deserved this, deserved everything bad being thrown her way. Her sight got blurry yet again, but it was hard to tell if the water staining her face was rain or tears. Of course she knew, but if anyone were to see her, they wouldn't. She closed her eyes for a moment, facing the dark sky, just letting the rain wash away everything. Crying in the rain had always felt so poetic, no matter how big a cliché it was.

Piper opened her eyes again, looking ahead. She couldn't stay. If anyone saw her, they would think she'd gone mad. Maybe she had. Maybe she always had been. The blonde couldn't differentiate some of her behavioral patterns from the mentally ill people she'd seen in movies, but then again, movies always romanticized everything. She began crossing her lawn, slippers sloshing with every step, heading towards the far back where it was the easiest to climb the fence. There was a tree there which was fairly easy to climb and once she got up, all she had to do was crawl over a big branch that stretched over the fence and jump down from it. Good thing she'd had a lot of practice before, or she might have risked her life climbing in the darkness while rain poured down. Not that big of a loss, though. Once she got to the other side, she inhaled deeply, feeling her lungs closing up again. It usually helped leaving the bubble that her house was, standing on the other side of the wall, but she still felt the same hopelessness. It felt as if her ribcage was imploding, impaling her inner organs one by one, puncturing her lungs and heart like they were grapes succumbing to the pressure. Again, the tears flowed freely. She wasn't even sure when they had stopped. Everything was a blur of tears and pain and thoughts and she couldn't focus. How could she when everything hit all at once?

She started walking down the street, the rain drops a constant reminder of her need to wash away her thoughts. She needed to be empty, to feel nothing. It hit her, then. There was a way, but it would have to include _her_. But how could she? How could she contact Alex when Larry had expressed his trust to her just minutes earlier? It wasn't fair. Nothing was. It wasn't fair that she had to be closeted, it wasn't fair that she needed drugs to calm down and it certainly wasn't fair that she had developed feelings towards a person she could never be with. She started choking up again, feeling the all too familiar pain in her esophagus. If she wasn't so weak, she would have ended things with the other woman, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. Somehow, she felt like she needed Alex in her life, and not only because she supplied drugs. Some days, she entertained that thought, though, the thought that the other woman was nothing more than a dealer, but it wasn't true. Of course it wasn't. If it was, she would have no problem with getting a new dealer and that wasn't something she was willing to do. She picked up her phone from her pocket, glad that it was waterproof, and pressed the contacts icon, thumb hovering over the other woman's name. What if she just told her to bring her something and nothing more? Before she had time to think it through one more time, she clicked the name and watched as the screen got darker and the familiar red icon popped up at the bottom. She considered pressing it, ending the call before the dial tones could even be heard, but decided against it and put the phone to her ear. There were five rings before a click was heard, then music and a shouted " _H_ _ello?_ _"_. Piper took a deep breath, trying not to snivel. It was hard, though, as she could feel the snot pool in her cupid's bow and tears ran down her face like she was having a severe allergic reaction. Another word was shouted, though the blonde wasn't sure what had been said.

"I need you," she whispered anyway, voice breaking halfway through. There was a muffled voice followed by some scratching sounds, suddenly, the background noises disappeared and Alex spoke again.

" _I couldn't hear a word. Are you okay?_ " She sounded worried. The blonde couldn't blame her. It was late and she never called when it was late, never called at all as their communication was strictly though texts. Piper suddenly felt guilty for worrying the other woman, but she didn't know who else to call. She was the only one who could help her when she needed to numb herself, the only one who let her be Piper and not mayor Chapman.

"I need you," she repeated, even quieter than before, this time not able to hold back the very needed snort. She attempted to take a calming breath, but it ended up sounding like she was choking instead. Her other try wasn't much more successful as the breath was cut short. She couldn't even breathe properly, how had she ever thought that she could succeed as a mayor?

" _Heey, breathe. Try to relax and just focus on my voice, okay?_ " Piper nodded even if the other woman couldn't see it. She tried again, breath hitching slightly on every other inhale. Alex was still talking, just saying random words that the blonde couldn't make out, too busy with her breathing exercise. It helped having the other woman speaking softly into her ear, soothing her without saying anything special.

"I want to... I _need_ to see you. Al, I- I can't be alone right now. Please just- I need to get high," she stammered, halting and squeezing her eyes shut. She heard herself uttering a litany of please and I need it, over and over, while the other woman was completely silent. Alex was probably disappointed in her, disappointed that she was so desperate for a fix, disappointed that she probably had started to sound like her other clients.

" _Where are you?_ " Alex interrupted her. The blonde gave out a sigh of relief, opening her eyes again. She looked around, feeling very disoriented all of a sudden. There weren't any signs where she stood, but there was a few old buildings down the road. How long had she walked? What time was it?

"I-I don't know. I'm outside and- Hang on." She started walking again, faster now than before, and before she knew it, she was running down the street, feeling exhausted after just a few feet as her lungs still acted as if they were broken. Alex was talking in her ear, asking her something and sounding concerned, but the blonde didn't hear what was being said, only heard her heart beating so loud and so fast, desperately pumping blood through her cold body as if to warm it up. It didn't work. She could feel her pulse in her feet, in her fingers, in her head, a steady _thump, thump, thump,_ a reminder that she was still alive, still breathing. Hardly breathing. Her lungs felt like ice, cracking a bit with every breath she took, sending shards through her body with promises of a fast death. Oh, how easy it would be to just lie down in the middle on the road and give up. But she had a goal now. She needed to reach the house with the flicking neon sign.

"Bud's place," she said aloud as she arrived at the building. It was like she was staring at a movie scene; the yellow-ish paint on the walls flaking and giving it a worn look, like it had stood there for ages. It probably had. The neon sign was blinking irregularly, the pink light giving the feeling that the house was frequented by low class prostitutes. How had she never seen this place before? It couldn't be that far from her house as she had walked, but she couldn't recall ever seeing either of the houses around her. She must have walked further than she initially thought.

" _I'll be there as fast as I can. Don't go anywhere._ " Piper gave the other woman a short affirmative before the call ended. She didn't even know where Alex was, didn't know how long it would take for her to get there, but she would wait, had to wait. She looked around and saw a very misplaced, green bench opposite the house – _Bud's_ _P_ _lace_. It didn't look very comfortable, or stable for that matter, but she figured that it was as good a place to sit as any. Without much hesitation, she walked over to it and sat down, feeling it wobble a little from her weight. Hopefully, she wouldn't have to wait for too long.

The rain was coming down harder than before, like someone sat on the clouds and emptied bucket after bucket after bucket. The street was filled with water, almost making it look like a long, concrete slip and slide. It suddenly struck Piper that she had ran _down_ the street, literally. The road in front of her was a smaller one, a slope connected to what she assumed was the main road through the neighborhood. She'd never thought that there was an area with poor people so close to her house. Or, an area with people less fortunate. Even when she was just observing her surroundings, she was a bitch. She clenched her jaws, gripping the edge of the bench. _Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry_. There was a loud rumble in the sky, interrupting her thoughts. The sound ebbed out into smaller ones, making it sound like it rolled over the cloudy firmament. Piper felt a shiver through her body. She had always loved thunder, used to snuggle up by a window with a hot cup of cocoa and her favorite blanket. Witnessing it from outside was a whole other experience, but not necessarily a bad one. Sure, it was a little scarier as there was no telling if it would be followed by lightning. The sky remained dark, though. Piper let go of the bench and wrapped her arms around herself, huddling under her cold and wet robe. It did nothing to shield her from the cold. Shocker.

The blonde had started to shake furiously from the cold. She was sat alone, only accompanied by the thunder and the rain. The odd person came out from Bud's Place, but they didn't even glance at her, just kept their eyes on the ground. It was probably for the best. If someone recognized her, she would be in a lot of trouble. So she kept to herself and so did the people on the other side of the street. Other than that, there wasn't much to distract her. No cars were seen, only on the main road 500 feet up the street, and no other vehicle either. The only thing she could do was count how many times the neon sign flickered before another person entered or left the building in front of her. It wasn't the most rewarding pastime, but it helped distracting her from herself. She heard a roaring sound, a sound unlike the ones she had grown accustomed to, and it got closer. Piper couldn't tear her eyes away from the flickering light, transfixed, like she was a bug. There was a slam somewhere not far from her and the sound of footsteps getting closer, the roaring going in the opposite direction. A tall person came into view. A tall person with raven hair, styled in a way that could be described as modern rockabilly, a knee length, loose fitting, black dress and a leather jacket. The blonde had never seen Alex dressed for a night out before. Guilt started to build up in her stomach, but she said nothing. It wasn't like she hadn't disappointed her before. The other woman looked almost angry, glasses fogging up from her... speaking. Oh. Piper hadn't heard a word.

"I'm sorry, what?" the blonde asked, voice monotone. She couldn't blame the other for being angry at her when she had forced her away from friends or clients or whatever. She would have been mad at her too. Alex's face softened, worry taking over her features.

"You are such an idiot," she said, voice smooth like she had complimented her. "What the fuck are you doing outside in this weather? In a nightgown, at that? Do you want pneumonia?" Piper wasn't sure if the questions were rhetorical or if she was expected to answer. She decided for a shrug, looking down at the ground like she was a kid awaiting a scolding for bad behavior. God knows she deserved it. When she looked up again, Alex was looking elsewhere, up the street to be precise. She had a deep frown, jaws clenching.

"Fuck," she breathed. " _Fuck!_ I told him to fucking wait and he just drives off? What a fucking asshole." It was Piper's turn to frown. Who was she talking about? The taller woman picked up her phone, mumbling something about having to call another cab.

"No!" she protested quickly, grabbing the phone from Alex's hand. It probably came off as a bitchy move, but the blonde couldn't risk being seen in such a bad state at such a late hour with such a poor outfit.

"I can't be seen like this and... and I don't want to go home just yet." The latter part was almost a whisper, a habit of hers when she was with the other woman. It was almost as if she never dared to speak properly, afraid of making a fool out of herself. The things she said also held the truth that she didn't really want to reveal, things that were better left in the dark. When she whispered, it was easier to pretend that she hadn't said anything. Alex looked at her like she had lost her mind, like she had suggested that she'd spend the night on the street. While she used to love sleeping under the stars as a kid, it never happened when it rained. One, because she didn't want to get sick and two, seeing the stars required a clear sky. She also never spent the night outside without warm clothes and a thick sleeping bag, something she lacked at the moment.

"Why don't we look for a place to stay? Like a motel or something?" the blonde suggested carefully. She would have said a hotel if it wasn't for the fact that she didn't want to be seen. As far as her knowledge about motels stretched, they were a good place for people who wanted to hide or get away for a while. At least, that was how movies portrayed them. She wanted to ask the raven haired woman, but it could come off as rude, like she expected her to hang out in scabby motels.

"What, like here?" Alex asked with a raised eyebrow, nodding her head to Bud's Place. The blonde looked over to the worn out building on the other side of the street, nodding. She had assumed that it was some sort of inn or whatever as people had went in and stayed there. She hadn't been there for too long, though, so she couldn't know for sure.

"Normally, I would disagree, but we don't have much choice. We really shouldn't stay long, though." Piper nodded again, looking back at the other woman again. She stood up, feeling a full body shiver as the wet clothes shifted, reminding her of how cold she really was. Alex seemed to notice as she removed her jacket and put it over her shoulders. The gesture made all the difference. It was as if she had stepped into a sauna, body heating up immediately, making her heart beat faster in her chest, harder. She knew that it was a stupid reaction and that it probably didn't mean as much as it meant for her. Alex put her hand on the small of her back, steering her across the street. The blonde felt her cheeks heating up, like it was a more intimate touch than intended. The two hurried over the street, walking into the old house. Piper looked around as soon as the door opened, failing right away to keep herself on the down low. There was no need to worry, though, as the room was empty, except for a fat, middle aged man behind the counter, looking through what seemed to be a gentleman's magazine. He didn't even look up when Alex spoke to him.

"I need a room," she said curtly. The man still didn't look up, flipping through the pages of his magazine while licking his lips. He gave out a humming sound before speaking.

"We only have a double room left. Pricier, of course." A smirk bloomed out on his lips and Piper couldn't tell if it was because of the images or his answer. Whatever the case was, he looked very pleased.

"Double is fine." Alex dealt with the situation very well. The blonde would have demanded eye contact had she booked a room, it was common courtesy after all. Thankfully, the other woman seemed very used to the whole... rude receptionist man thing.

"15 bucks." Still uninterested in his guests. Also, 15 dollars seemed like a robbery. Just judging from the lobby, Piper could tell that the room would be, in lack of better words, a shithole. She was about to protest, but Alex handed over the money as if it was a reasonable price, getting a key in exchange. Without another word, the raven haired woman put her hand back on the blonde's back, guiding her up the stairs. She hadn't heard the man say what floor they were supposed to go to, but Alex seemed sure. So she had been there before? What business could she have in such a run down place? Had she been there with another- No. She wouldn't go there. They reached the end of the stairwell two floors up, the blonde being guided to the far end of the corridor. It reminded her of the hallway scene in The Shining. Not because it looked the same, but because of the atmosphere. There was something off and Piper couldn't pinpoint it. Maybe it was the smell or the fact that you could hear muffled sounds from the rooms. She tried to assure herself that people were watching TV, but she wasn't very convincing. Alex stopped in front of the door to their room, putting the key in the keyhole and unlocked it. For some reason, Piper had expected to see cockroaches and other bugs hurry to the dark corners as soon as the door opened, but there was none to be seen. She let out a sigh of relief, entering the small room. To the left was the door to what she assumed was a bathroom. For all she knew, it could be a broom closet or something, though. Opposite her was a large window, sheer, white curtains shielding them somewhat from the outside world. The bed was in the middle of the room, a queen sized one, looking like it had endured a lot of _activity_. Next to it, or some feet away, stood a green armchair that looked as used as the bed, a small table next to it.

"You should probably get out of those clothes," Alex said casually, as if the words didn't mean that Piper would have to walk around naked. The blonde knitted her eyebrows together, shaking her head. That would _not_ happen. She couldn't just... no. The taller woman sighed, but said nothing more about it. Instead, she moved in closer, much to the blonde's discomfort. There was a moment where neither of them moved, just stood close to each other and gazed into each other's eyes. Piper swallowed nervously and wet her lips, the other woman's eyes flickering down and mimicking her. Alex raised her hand, slowly moving it towards the blonde's waist. This was fine, she was fine. She wasn't panicking at all and it didn't feel like her heart was trying to escape from her chest. It was beating so hard again that the other woman probably heard it too. Alex put her hand into the pocket of the jacket, her jacket, and removed a pack of cigarettes, backing away as if nothing had happened. That was intense. Piper couldn't have imagined it. Right? There was tension between them, right? The blonde closed her mouth, not even knowing when she had opened it. She watched as the raven haired woman walked over to the armchair, putting the item she had retrieved on the table beside it. Something in the atmosphere had changed. It felt like a challenge, like she'd let Piper play with the idea that something could happen between them, that kissing was still an option, but only if she took the first step. She wouldn't, _couldn't_. There was too much at stake and if she did let something happen, it would be real, no turning back. It wasn't as easy for her as it was for the other woman. The blonde hung the jacket on a hook by the door before she walked over to the bed, sitting down on the end of it. She watched as the raven haired woman took out, what looked like, a home made cigarette from the box as well as a lighter. It was probably not filled with tobacco. Alex lit the presumed joint and handed it to Piper. It was the first time she'd ever held a joint before. Usually, she took a pill or snorted, but now... She took a big drag, feeling the smoke fill her lungs. It stung, like it was an actual fire inside her. From what she had seen in movies, a regularly occurring thought nowadays, you were supposed to hold the smoke in for as long as you could, which, in all fairness, wasn't that long. Not for her, at least. After maybe five seconds, she started coughing violently, squeezing her eyes shut to keep tears from forming again. If she started crying again, even if it was just her body's reaction to the smoke, she wasn't sure that she would be able to stop herself. She took a deep breath, collecting herself, before opening her eyes. Alex was just sitting in the armchair, watching her intently. Piper put the joint to her lips again, taking another deep drag, this time willing herself not to cough. Just two drags in and she was already feeling the effects of it. Morphine was definitely more relaxing, probably because it was so much stronger, but marijuana wasn't all that bad. She took another puff and another, both as deep as her lungs allowed, and with each passing second she felt heavier, calmer. The sting in her lungs was as welcomed as the daze she was in, even though it was an altogether different feeling, of course. The slight pain was there to keep her grounded, literally. She felt like floating away, but was glad to have something that hindered her from doing so.

"Do you want to tell me what made you upset?" Alex looked lovely where she sat, a worried little crease between her eyebrows. Piper wanted to kiss it.

"Larry," she stated, taking yet another drag of the spliff. The other woman raised an eyebrow as if to ask her to elaborate. The blonde shrugged, strangely amused by the way her shoulders moved when she did. Did they always tickle when she moved like that?

"Your husband?" the other asked with slight distaste, putting delicate fingers on the frame of her glasses and adjusting them.

"Not my husband," the blonde answered, glaring at the woman before her, squinting her eyes slightly, the corners of her mouth pointing downward as if the mere thought of him as her life partner disgusted her. That wasn't the case, of course. Or, well... Sort of. Larry wasn't the one making her disgusted, but their arrangement. Their arrangement that he was painfully unaware of. She had sought out Alex to clear her head of the night's previous events, but her much too prominent reality chased her like a dog after a bone, or more like a wolf after a wounded rabbit. Piper was a rabbit who desperately tried to escape the hungry jaws of real life.

"Sam told me to tie the knot, but I can't and he fucking knows it, the bastard," she mumbled, for once throwing caution to the wind. It wasn't much, but it felt like she had just poured her heart out.

"I'm breaking, splitting open like a dropped vase and I'm just... Trying to glue myself together, but all I have is water. It runs right off and I end up dropping pieces of me because my hands are too slippery." She focused her eyes right above the raven haired woman's head as she spoke, voice monotone and flat as if she read the words from the wall. The blonde hadn't told the other woman anything, not even her favorite color, and now she was spewing out things she didn't even want to acknowledge about herself.

So much for escaping.

"I'm not even forced, not really. I'm just scared," she whispered, feeling completely naked despite being clothed, fabric clinging to her damp body like a second skin. She took another deep drag, feeling the tip of her fingers heating up slightly. There wasn't much left of the joint, the lit end getting closer to her lips by the second. She closed her eyes again and exhaled the smoke, fingers twitching to stub out the spliff on her leg. She needed the pain again to keep her from levitating. It wasn't a good idea, though. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew that. There were consequences to every action, something she had learned a long time ago, and facing them could be hard. A burn mark on her thigh would lead to questions, questions she didn't want to answer and that was enough to keep her from harming herself.

"I can't marry him. Sam wants me to, but I can't," she mumbled, opening her eyes again. Alex was still staring at her intently, jaws clenched. Piper watched as the other woman's throat bobbed, up and down, indicating that she swallowed. Whether it was words or something entirely different, she didn't know.

"If you don't want to, don't. You have to make your own decisions." The raven haired woman said, expression dead serious. The blonde gave out a short laughter, standing up. It sounded like the easiest thing in the world coming from Alex's lips. Piper couldn't even imagine that actually happening. The one making the decisions was Mr. Healy. He was the master puppeteer who pulled the strings to make her dance. She started pacing back and forth, slowly as if she would trip did she try to move faster. The only thing moving at the speed of light were her thoughts. She wanted to take the other woman's advice, she truly did, but what would happen to her if she did? There was too much at stake. She looked down on her hands, realizing that she still held the joint between her fingers, gripping it tightly. The once glowing tip had turned black, the charcoal color but a reminder of the previous warmth.

"It's your life. Do what makes you happy. If that means breaking up with Larry, then so be it. You are important, Piper. Your happiness is important." The blonde stopped, dead in her track. She felt a full body shiver as the words registered. She couldn't remember hearing those sentences even once in her life. The fact that they came from someone who didn't even know her made her heart ache. People were supposed to hear such beautiful things from family and loved ones, not from their drug dealers. Maybe Alex was a loved one.

Her heart stopped, completely frozen.

She turned to the other woman, looking at her through a thick kind of mist. Maybe it was the drugs, maybe it was the lack of oxygen. When had she stopped breathing? She took the few steps to the armchair, stopping in front of Alex. They looked at each other, both breathing deeply. Piper could she the steady rise and fall of the other's chest, enticed by the sight. When she met green eyes again, the other woman wet her lips.

"You need to put yourself first," she said, voice unmistakeably deeper than previously.

"I am," the blonde answered, slowly pulling of her robe and dropping it to the floor, the fabric pooling around her feet. Alex swallowed thickly, gaze flickering up and down, like she was finally allowed to take in how the blonde looked from top to toe. Piper sank down, putting her knees on each side of Alex's, straddling her. She reached for the cigarette packet next to her and took out another joint, feeling the other woman's hands on her thighs. She lit the spliff quickly and inhaled deeply, blowing the smoke out above the other's head. When she met the raven haired woman's gaze again, green had been taken over by black, making her eyes look feral. She leaned in a little closer, making Alex stretch as if to meet her half way. Their faces were mere inches from each other's and to anyone watching, it would look like time was frozen had their chests not heaved in a synchronized fashion. Instead of closing the distance, the blonde leaned back again, slowly. The hands on her thighs squeezed in a silent protest. Piper took a drag of the joint and carefully grabbed Alex's chin with her free hand, waiting for potential rejection, but when none came, she proceeded to exhale the smoke into the other woman's open mouth, watching as she closed her eyes and inhaled. The next few seconds was a miasma of smoke and hungry eyes. As the fog dissipated, the blonde grabbed the other's chin again, this time with softer hand, less determined. They looked into each other's eyes, Piper searching for something she couldn't quite place. She was certain of what she wanted, she wanted Alex, but there was still something in the back of her head keeping her from doing anything. The raven haired woman wet her lips, looking like she was getting antsy, but she said nothing, just waited for her to make a move. There was a moment where neither of them moved, a moment where the blonde's inner demons fought each other. She wasn't sure what they were fighting about. The only thing she could truly focus on was Alex's concentrated eyes and her sightly open mouth. The dip above her top lip had small pearls of sweat and Piper had a strange urge to taste them. She didn't know why, but she figured that it had something to do with the fact that she wanted to taste every inch of the other woman's body. Alex was fire and Piper wanted to reach out, let the flames lick her hand. She knew that she would burn out, like a matchstick, but she'd rather be engulfed in flames than spend her whole life wondering how it feels to get burned. She moved her hand to Alex's neck, a second of hesitation before closing the distance between them. When their lips met, the other woman's fire spread, setting her aflame right away. They were a wildfire, untamable and growing hotter. Their lips moved fast, desperately, tongues meeting each other and tasting. Piper had never kissed someone so passionately before, had never felt the need to. Now she was clinging to the other as if that was her sole purpose in life. Maybe it was. Her whole life had lead up to this exact moment and she wouldn't want it any other way.

Piper found that her other hand had made its way to the raven hair, clutching it hard. Judging by the soft moans escaping the other woman's esophagus, she enjoyed it. Alex's hands moved to her hips, squeezing as if to make sure that what they were doing was really happening. It was. It was really happening. Every part of the blonde's body made sure that she was aware of it, tingling and shivering every time the other woman moved even an inch. The blonde pushed herself closer, feeling the hands of the other move to the hem of her nightgown and pulling it up, only to stop when the fabric got stuck between them. Piper didn't want to break the kiss, but knew that she had to in order to remove the clothes. Reluctantly, she leaned back, letting Alex throw the garment to the floor, before resuming the kiss. Both hands buried themselves in the dark hair, desperately forcing the other woman closer. She should have felt more self conscious as she was almost completely exposed, but she somehow felt empowered, sexy even. Alex wanted her when she could have chosen to be with someone else in that moment. She chose to come to herin the dead of the night when she was clearly doing something completely different before the call. She chose _her_. Piper felt a lump starting to build in her throat, but ignored it. The last thing she wanted was to ruin things by crying again.

The blonde took hold of the other woman's hands and put them on her breasts, moaning into her mouth when she squeezed them. She wanted more, _needed_ more. Alex must've picked up on it somehow as she let go of one breast and put her hand on her thigh, brushing a thumb over the sensitive skin near her groin, a silent question of whether it was okay to continue or not. Piper responded by thrusting her hips forward. She broke the kiss and leaned down a bit, just breathing into the other's ear for a few seconds.

"Touch me," she whispered. "Make me feel good." Alex audibly swallowed, inhaling shakily right after, complying by moving her hand to the blonde's cunt, fingers ghosting over the lace panties. Piper's toes curled, hips moving forward on their own accord. She let out a breathy moan, urging the other to continue without being verbal. The fingers pressed firmer, more surely, as she began grinding down on them, keeping up a steady stream of little huffs and moans. The blonde had had sex before, she had, but never like this, never with a person she liked so much, never with a person who seemed experienced, key word being seemed. Even if they hadn't technically started yet, she could tell that there was a big difference already. Just the slightest touch of the raven haired woman's fingers felt completely unlike anything she had ever felt. Alex was gentler, showing that she knew how to handle a woman's privates. Before she could truly get into it, losing herself in the feeling, the raven haired woman removed her hand, moving it, as well as the other hand, to her ass. Piper wanted to protest, but didn't get to before she felt how the other hoisted her up a bit, standing up while doing so. She gave out a surprised little squeal, clinging to the other woman to prevent herself from falling to the floor. The raven haired woman walked over to the bed and laid her down, gently, carefully, as if she was a fragile porcelain doll. Before removing her dress, she put her glasses on the bedside table. To the blonde's surprise, she wasn't wearing a bra. How the hell did that even go unnoticed by her? Piper sucked in a breath, taking in the other's beautiful body, the soft curve of her hips, her full breasts, her soft looking skin. It felt so surreal to have another woman in front of her like this, ready to do what she had craved so long. It wasn't even just about sex, it was about being close to a person with the same gender, a thing she had needed since she graduated. She had slept with one woman before, one, and that was in college. Now she was about to let Alex into her carefully constructed glass bubble, let her see who she truly was. The other woman crawled into bed, laying on top of the blonde, leaning on her elbows as to not put too much pressure. Piper sighed contently, reveling in the fact that she finally was closer to the other. Blue met green, eyes too intense and too... what? Too honest. Alex looked at her like she was her whole world, and it scared her, made her feel less at ease.

"Hi," she whispered, feeling intimidated by intimacy, carefully breaking down the pent up tension. Neither touched the other's privates and yet, this was the most intimate she had ever been with another person. It was like they peered into each other's souls and Piper wasn't ready to show her everything. They were supposed to fuck, get rid of some sexual tension. Nothing more.

"Hi," the other answered just as quietly. The raven haired woman leaned down, placing a soft kiss on her lips, just the ghost of a touch. It wasn't enough. The blonde let out a small noise from the back of her throat, raising her head from the pillow, urging the other to kiss her again. A small smile spread on the other's lips as she leaned down again, this time kissing her just a little harder, still all soft lips and tender. Alex shifted her weight to one arm, putting her free hand on the blonde's waist, just beneath her ribs. It felt so innocent, like the other didn't have the courage to put it elsewhere, which was ridiculous considering the previous touches. The soft kiss didn't do much to raise the temperature either. Piper put her hand over the other's, guiding it downwards, hoping to burst the suffocating tenderness, the softness she didn't feel she deserved. The raven haired woman didn't object, but stopped by the waistband of her panties, breaking the kiss.

"Maybe we should get you out of these," she said, biting her lip. Piper mirrored the movement, bucking her hips as a response. The other woman twisted her mouth into a grin, wetting her lips before sitting up, positioning herself between the blonde's legs. She closed her eyes, feeling the other's hands move from her ankles and _up, up, up_ , stroking her thighs with just her fingertips. There was a grip on the panties and then they were pulled down, slowly, teasingly. The blonde took a deep, shuddering breath, willing herself not to hurry the process by pulling the garment down herself. As soon as the panties were elsewhere, one of her legs was grabbed by a gentle hand, everything so excruciatingly gentle. She could feel the other's hot breath on her thigh, followed by a soft kiss, a soft kiss that quickly turned dirtier as teeth got involved, most likely leaving angry, red, marks. As Alex's mouth moved north, the blonde's body started tingling, anticipating what was to come. She got a full body shiver when the raven haired woman left a mark but an inch from her crotch, tangling her hand into raven hair. Breathing in the thick air that lay heavy in the room, she leaned into the kisses the other woman left on her skin, trail going beyond the place she wanted the kisses the most and heading upwards again, soon met by the raven haired woman's searching eyes.

"Look at you. Beautiful." Alex said softly, looking way too sincere. It made Piper's heart ache in the worst way possible and it wasn't what she wanted, _needed_. What she needed was for the other to be rough with her, make her feel like it wasn't love making but fucking. Feelings should have been excluded from the start and she should have made sure that the other woman knew that. Instead of voicing her thoughts, she put her hand on Alex's neck, pulling her down into a bruising kiss. Without any warning whatsoever, she turned them so she was on top, breaking the kiss. She looked down into dark eyes, clouded with desire. Her eyes wandered over the other woman's face, saving the image of her slightly open mouth, lips red and swollen from rough kisses, the image of her hungry eyes without the slight distortion of the glasses, seemingly doing the same with her face, just memorizing. Piper straightened her posture abruptly, turning her head to face the pile of her clothes. She climbed off the bed and dug through the discarded clothes, finding her phone. Alex hadn't even gotten a chance to properly react before the blonde was on top of her again, this time smirking with her bottom lip between her teeth. It was impossible to tell how much she would remember the day after and she wanted lasting memories, she would have to use a bit of technology. Hopefully, the other didn't mind. She leaned down, mouth ghosting over the other woman's ear, breaths coming raggedly.

"May I sit on your face, please?" she asked, nibbling on the earlobe when she'd finished speaking. The raven haired woman let out soft groan, definitely sounding like she agreed. Her hands moved to Piper's ass, having previously drawn lazy patterns on her thighs. They stayed there, a reminder that she was Alex's for the night. Carefully, too soft again, the other pushed her upwards, a way of affirming and the blonde obliged easily, moving up the raven haired woman's chest and got herself comfortable above her face. The blonde let out a soft sound when the hands moved from her ass to her hips, a firm grip to help steady her. It would most likely be needed. She inhaled sharply when she felt a determined tongue on her clit, rubbing it steadily. Her breaths became labored immediately, making her lungs feel much smaller, like they had no room for air. Instead they filled up with ember, burning her from the inside and letting hot air seep from her mouth. She wondered if Alex could feel it, if she could feel the heat coiling inside her. Piper placed one hand on the headboard, steadying herself further while her free hand struggled to unlock the phone. It seemed like an easy enough task when it first came into her mind, but while actually executing the idea, she realized that maneuvering... well, anything, was much harder than she had initially thought. She looked down to where their bodies met, feeling her heart stop momentarily at the sight of the other woman eating her cunt like it was a fucking buffet.

"Fuck," she breathed out, locking eyes with Alex. Had her mouth not been busy, she would have smirked and the thought of that only made Piper shiver. She wanted to see the raven hared woman's beautiful, almost taunting, smirk, but she also very much wanted her to continue doing what she was doing. Instead of giving the blonde her signature smirk, she fastened the pace, adding more pressure to the little bundle of nerves. Piper couldn't help but moan, throwing her head back while beginning to grind her hips. She still held the phone in a vice like grip, ignoring the slight ache it caused, only focusing on the pleasurable treatment she was receiving. On one hand, she wanted to immortalize this moment, but on the other hand, white, hot pleasure. Why risk disturbing such an amazing display of skills?

" _Fuck_ ," she whined, word high in her throat. She snapped her head back, almost too quickly, causing her to get dizzy. Or was it just the overall experience getting her light headed? Meeting Alex's gaze again, she determined that it had nothing to do with the fast head movement. She swallowed thickly, wetting her lips. The other woman's hands were stroking her, soothing her over heated skin. Piper let out a whimper, a strong tremor running through her whole body. She closed her eyes for a moment, breathing through her nose, sharp and loud inhales with slow exhales, shaky just like her body. The quivers made the flames surrounding her dance with Alex's, creating a symbiosis which would result in a smothered flame would they separate. She needed Alex and Alex needed her, even if just for an exchange of orgasms. Piper started grinding her hips in earnest, chasing a climax that was _just_ within reach if she could stretch out her hand just a little further. She felt a drop of sweat making its way down her face, leaving a wet trace from her forehead and down to her neck. Her whole body was _so hot_ and she was sweating from places she didn't even know could sweat. When she opened her eyes again, she found that the other woman had closed hers and if that wasn't beautiful... She looked so at ease, like she really enjoyed what she was doing. The blonde fumbled with her phone again, this time managing to unlock it and start the camera app. She hit record and tried to still her shaking hand, wanting the camera to focus on the beauty she saw so clearly in front of her, or _beneath her_. Another moan escaped her, making the raven haired woman's eyes flutter open. An eyebrow was raised, but nothing was done to stop her from filming.

"S-So fucking sexy," Piper stuttered, groaning as soon as the words left her mouth. "So good for me." Alex hummed slightly before grabbing a steady hold of her hips again, forcing her impossibly closer. The blonde gasped, almost choking on the air. Fuck the video and fuck her phone. Just... _Fuck_. She grabbed the headboard with the hand which held the phone, simply not caring about anything other than the raven haired woman's tongue. The added friction made her stomach clench, readying her for the upcoming climax she so desperately sought. She felt how her thighs started trembling, almost giving in right there and then. She hadn't even noticed how strained they were, muscles taut from having to work so vigorously. Her ability to walk would be immensely reduced, come tomorrow. That would have to me a problem for later as her number one priority at the moment was to come. The blonde threw her head back again, closing her eyes, grinding dirtily against Alex's mouth and letting out a series of desperate moans, keening almost as her orgasm was within reach. She was so close. So. Fucking. Close.

"Al, I'm- Please, just let me- I just- I need-" she babbled, furrowing her eyebrows in concentration. Piper felt tears beginning to form behind her eyelids, stinging as if to add intensity to her pleasure. More words spilled from her mouth, but she wasn't sure what she said. All she knew was that her tongue started feeling dry, like she had spoken for hours. More desperate pleas and more moans, but all she could hear was white noise, a constant buzzing blocking out everything else. The blonde's toes started prickling, spreading up to her thighs and to her abdomen, changing to a white, but warm pleasure. Her limbs began stiffening, making her thrusts erratic. Alex squeezed her hips in assurance and that was all it took for her to relax into the feeling, letting it wash over her like a tidal wave and engulf her completely. She let out a loud, trembling moan, white knuckled grip on the headboard tightening further. As if controlled by invisible strings, her hips kept moving, slower than before, though. Her chest was heaving as she calmed down, coming down from her high. She maneuvered herself from Alex somehow, dropping the phone somewhere on the bed in the process, coming back to the present when she found herself laying down beside her beautiful acquaintance – a word that felt wrong, but not necessarily untrue as they actually knew little to nothing about each other. Piper watched as the other woman wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, turning to lay on her side, facing her. They were so close. So incredibly close. And yet it felt like there were miles between them, like the small gap of maybe just an inch was actually an entire ocean, the Atlantic. Piper was America and Alex was Europe. Two different worlds, almost. The raven haired woman had conquered her and the blonde was her slave, bound to her with unbreakable chains that would be her downfall.

"You were amazing," the raven haired woman said, going ashore and decreasing the distance. The two of them lay still, not quite touching, but Piper could still feel the touch from the other woman, like a ghost from the past. There was a loud rumble, reminding the blonde that there was a storm outside of their bubble. A storm that seemed to have picked up its speed as the house had started to creak, the wind making itself known by whistling loudly. Despite the tumult, they remained in their fabricated calm, ignoring the outside world for a little while longer. The room lit up, a cold blue light painting the bare walls, but Alex was still glowing, radiating, giving off a warm red that spread throughout Piper. The blonde gazed into the other woman's hooded eyes. She moved closer, putting a hand on the other's cheek, wetting her lips.

"You are so fucking beautiful... and not just in a superficial way. I've been nothing but withdrawn and yet-" Piper drifted off, shifting her focus from one eye to the other as if the dark pupils held the words she was looking for.

"Yet you come back. You come back to me and I give nothing back." Alex opened her mouth, but the blonde put a thumb over her lips and shook her head. She took a deep breath, wanting to apologize, but the words died on her tongue. It wasn't the time nor place to get into such a difficult topic. The raven haired woman looked at her quizzically, surely expecting an explanation to this sudden change in mood. For a brief moment she panicked, wondering how the fuck she'd get out of explaining herself. She composed herself quickly, used to being put under pressure and act fast, closing the short distance between her and Alex. The other woman relaxed into the kiss immediately, seemingly forgetting what they were talking about beforehand. Piper moved impossibly closer, body flush to the other's as her hand moved from the cheek to nestle into the long, raven hair. Both moaned into the kiss, grinding against each other greedily. The blonde had already moved on from her previous thoughts, fully focused on the other's mouth, her body, her sounds. It was addictive, all of it. Alex was the best morphine she could ever get, a strong opiate to calm her sore soul.

She broke the kiss, onyx eyes staring into hers.

"I want to taste you." It was a whispered confession, almost like the words hadn't even left her mouth. Alex's sharp intake of air was evidence that she had indeed spoken, though. The other woman wet her lips, eyes searching, maybe to determine whether it was a serious statement or if it was something spilled without having considered what it could mean. Before the other could say anything, Piper turned them over for the second time that evening, taking control over the situation, the other clinging to her with two firm hands on her hips. The blonde leaned down so that her lips ghosted over Alex's, not quite kissing.

"I want to please you," she said lowly against the other's open mouth, eyes gently closed as to not go cross eyed when in such close proximity. Piper moved downward, leaving a trace of soft kisses along the way. Alex let out little gasps and breathy moans, so responsive to the smallest of touch, arching her back off the bed and moving her body against the blonde's exploring hands. Every inch of the woman's body was tantalizing, hypnotizing, and Piper was held captive from just watching small goosebumps rise, littering her skin like temporary scars, soon to fade and leave nothing but memories of the blonde's delicate fingers over her naked torso. She wanted to claim the raven haired woman, mark her, make her unable to feel good with anyone else, ruin her. God knew that Alex had ruined her. The blonde would forever see green when touched and she wouldn't want it any other way. Piper positioned herself between the other woman's legs, dragging blunt nails over her trembling thighs while removing the other's underwear. She was so _wet_ and the blonde felt a strong surge in her stomach, proud that she was the one to have caused it.

"Fucking hot," she murmured, placing light kisses where Alex's thighs were fullest. The raven haired woman tensed a bit, leg muscles contracting under her skin. Piper could spend an eternity just kissing her everywhere, learning her reactions, memorizing how every twitch felt under her lips. Instead of dragging the act out, she inched closer to the other's cunt. Those times with the other girl had never entailed eating pussy. Not for her, anyway. Alex was her first and oddly enough, that made her feel warm inside, relieved almost. The raven haired woman had been right there beside her for many firsts; the first time she did drugs, the first time in her adult life that she cried in front of another person, the first time she did something for herself without caring about the consequences. The latter wasn't something the other knew about, though. She didn't know just how big it was for Piper to sleep with a woman. The blonde moved in, going for the clit right away as she knew that that was what she liked the most. She tried remembering what the other woman had done previously, flattening her tongue and rubbing it over the sensitive bundle of nerves. Alex gave out a shaky moan, nestling her hand in the blond hair, quivering as she pushed Piper's head closer.

"Fuck, Piper, _yesyesyes_ ," she babbled, back arching off of the bed again. The blonde increased the pressure further, loving the way her name sounded when moaned. Maybe it was just the way Alex said it that made her pussy throb. It had shot right down to her crotch, making her groan softly. She wasn't used to this, wasn't used to get pleasure from pleasing someone. Oral sex had always been one sided for her, but now... Now she ground her hips into the mattress to get the friction she needed as she shifted between sucking on the other's clit and rubbing it with her tongue. She was chasing another orgasm as she tried to give Alex one. But she couldn't help it. Her cunt was pulsating, a result of the other woman's needy moans and her taste. It wasn't a good taste per se, but it was as addictive as everything else with the raven haired woman. Piper moved her hand from the trembling thigh, aligning two fingers at the other's entrance, silently asking for permission to proceed, other hand gently stroking the other thigh. She looked up as Alex pushed her hips down, nodding her head eagerly.

"Please," she said on an exhale, meeting the blonde's eyes. Piper obliged immediately, pushing the two digits in slowly, teasingly almost, watching as the raven haired woman crumbled before her, abdominal muscles twitching and chest heaving. It was a sight she'd never known she needed. She curved her fingers upwards, looking for that spot that always sent shivers down her spine when touched. As she wasn't used to satisfying women, she could only do what she herself liked and it seemed to work. The raven haired woman was grinding her hips, meeting Piper's movements, hand clenching and unclenching around the locks of hair, head crashing down on the pillow again. Fuck, this was getting to her, it was all getting to her. She didn't ever want to leave their bubble they had created, their safe haven. She could stay at Bud's place for the rest of her life, fucking the other woman senseless, getting fucked herself and then starting all over again. Fucking Alex meant piecing herself together. She needed someone to hand her those pieces, to help her getting whole again. With Alex, Piper was whole, a blue mosaic with broken shards, but a blue mosaic with a complete picture nonetheless.

"I'm close," the other woman moaned. The blonde closed her eyes, determined to make the other feel good, to make her get the best, most mind blowing orgasm she had ever had. It was probably not going to happen, seeing as she'd never eaten someone out before, but the raven haired woman was moaning desperately and maybe that was enough. Maybe she was enough. Piper moaned as well, at first not even aware of it. She was so engulfed by Alex's sounds that nothing else even mattered. Her own hips had stilled, what with her being too focused on making the other woman come. She thrust her fingers a little faster, rubbing a little harder while adding even more pressure on the clit, tongue working like she was painting the Mona Lisa. The raven haired woman gave out a broken groan, sound high in her throat. The grip in Piper's hair was starting to hurt a bit, but she actually liked it, wanting her scalp to hurt the day after, a reminder of what they'd done. She opened her eyes, looking up to see the other's chest heaving rapidly, breaths coming in short. Without further warning, Alex clenched hard around her fingers, thighs spasming, drawn out moans rippling out of her mouth. Her hips moved erratically, making it hard for the blonde to keep hitting the sweet spots. The other wasn't complaining, though. Piper removed her fingers, stroking the woman's quivering thighs with both hands, still rubbing her tongue over Alex's clit, waiting for her to loosen the grip on her hair.

"Oh my God," the other woman breathed, sounding like she was holding back tears. She ground her hips one, two, three times more before yanking the blonde's head away from her crotch, letting go of the blonde locks and letting her arm fall to her sides. Piper wiped the fluids from her face with the back of her hand, moving up again to lay down next to the other, curling up beside her with head on her shoulder. Alex put her arm on the blonde's waist, drawing lazy patterns on her skin. Her breathing was still labored, muscles in her arms and stomach twitching ever so often. The blonde put her hand by the vertical indent on the raven haired woman's upper abdomen, tracing it up and down with her fingers. Neither of them spoke, just lay there, touching each other absentmindedly, like they were in constant need of somehow being connected, like they needed the contact. Piper turned her head and kissed Alex's shoulder, trailing up to her neck, not to arouse the other again, but to... she wasn't sure why, actually, but she felt like she needed to show affection somehow.

"Aren't you a bit too eager? Can't we like, calm down for a second?" the raven haired woman asked, sounding exhausted. The blonde lay her head on the other's shoulder again, turning her eyes down as if she had crossed some kind of line.

"Hey, no. No, I didn't mean it like that." Alex's tone went soft. She squeezed Piper's hip reassuringly, tilting her head up with her free hand, careful fingers on her chin. Her eyes were their usual green again, like aventurines, and she looked at the blonde with so much warmth and affection. Piper felt herself suffocating again, feeling too vulnerable under the other's gaze.

"It was meant to be playful, but I guess it came out differently," she said softly and what was the blonde supposed to answer? "I'm sorry," the raven haired woman added before kissing her forehead. She put her head down on the shoulder again, nodding as to reassure that she was okay. She wasn't. This was too intimate. Alex was too... she was too caring. It didn't feel like just a fuck. Oh hell, it never really felt like just a fuck, but the tenderness following the sex was- it was... It didn't feel right. It felt like she cheated herself into some sort of false comfort, like it was all going to be okay. Nothing was okay. She wasn't okay, she wasn't going to be okay and nothing could change that.

"We should shower," Piper said to interrupt her train of thoughts. Alex hummed, nodding her head, but did nothing to move.

"Or we could just sleep and worry about that later," she said, contradicting her previous approval. The blonde mimicked the other's previous movement and nodded. She wasn't even tired. The only thing she could focus on was her discomfort. Alex shifted on the bed, startling Piper out of her thoughts, somehow managing to get the cover down to their feet, making it easier for them to crawl under it. They settled in the middle of the bed, the raven haired woman behind her with arm tightly around her, legs tangled in a way that should be uncomfortable, but felt strangely relaxing. It was the false sense of calm again, but the blonde couldn't stop herself. It was so easy to just fall into place beside the other. Maybe she was never a complete picture to begin with. Maybe the raven haired woman was her missing piece this whole time. No, she couldn't think like that. She had to break things off, not only to spare herself, but also to spare the woman laying next to her. The longer they kept in contact, the harder the fall.

Alex's breathing evened out and her body was completely relaxed, arm heavy over her waist. Piper shuffled a bit, untangling their legs carefully as to not wake the other woman. She needed to leave, but her body felt heavy, like it deliberately stopped working to make her stay. Her body wasn't cooperating with her brain. Maybe she was still high. She didn't know how long weed lasted, but it had to be more than an hour, though. Right? Had it even been an hour? Probably more. Two maybe, or three. She didn't know. The blonde gave out a low sigh, forcing herself to move despite the unusually strong gravitational pull, grabbing Alex's hand to move her arm.

"Love you," the raven haired woman murmured, squeezing Piper's hand loosely before letting go of it. The blonde froze in her movements, eyes widening. The oxygen level in the room seemed to have dropped to a dangerous low, asphyxiation kicking in with full force. It felt like she had been cut open and like someone was playing with her organs while she was still alive. She could feel bile starting to rise in her throat, body growing cold as her eyes started to water. No further words were spoken and behind her, Alex had started snoring softly. She tried taking a deep breath, but she couldn't. She had crashed into concrete, face first, knocking her breath away. Her chest and throat hurt from the lack of air, adding to the already unbearable pain she felt throughout her whole body. It was like a poison. She could feel the icy pain spreading with her blood, heart pumping it through her veins to her head, to her fingers, to her toes. It had been a bad idea to meet Alex. She should have been more careful. She should have... She should have listened to Mr. Healy. The first tear in a while ran down to her ear, another one pooling by the side of her nose, followed by another one and another. Her throat loosened up a bit, causing her to gasp desperately. She was quick to cover her mouth with both hands, successfully muffling her rapid breathing. Every inhale felt like dragging a barbed knife through her esophagus, ripping her open with no chance of recovering. She had to get out of there, she had to- something, anything. Willing herself to stay quiet, she crawled out of the bed, slightly dizzy, without waking Alex up. She looked around the room for her clothes, finding them by the green armchair. As she picked them up, the room lit up, a loud rumble shaking the whole building. Piper almost dropped the garments, not at all prepared for the sudden noise. The weather hadn't improved it seemed. How hadn't she noticed? She closed her eyes for a second, knitting her eyebrows together, She knew exactly why she hadn't noticed. Swallowing thickly, she opened her eyes again, getting dressed quickly. The clothes were still soaking wet, clinging to her skin like a leech. Piper took a shaky breath, risking a snivel. No reaction from Alex. Why did things have to be so complicated? Why couldn't she be happy? More tears ran from her eyes. _Everything hurt_. Her body hurt, her heart hurt, her soul hurt. The blonde turned her head, glancing towards the other woman's sleeping form. She would give anything to be able to stay, but she also wanted Alex to be happy. Piper couldn't make her happy. Everything was fucked. If only- if only she could be the one for the other. She wanted to be there for her, but she would only hurt her in the end. They had no future together. She turned her eyes to the ceiling, staring at a yellowy brown stain, salty droplets staining her face. Her lungs were filled with tar and it was making its way up her throat, suffocating and drowning her at the same time, and somehow she felt like she deserved it. She hurt people, that was the only thing she knew. She was selfish, only caring about her career. If she had been a decent person, she would never have agreed to meet Larry. If she had been a decent person, she wouldn't have needed drugs and she wouldn't have met Alex. She wouldn't even have gotten the chance to hurt her. The blonde trampled on people just to keep her position in office, and for what? For promises she couldn't keep? To make it better for people, but had she? Had she made anything better for anyone? She hadn't, so yes, she deserved this. She deserved feeling like she had been crushed by a herd of stampeding elephants. So why couldn't she stop feeling sorry for herself? She closed her eyes again, squeezing out more tears. _Fuck_.

Piper let out a shaky sigh, putting her hand in her pocket, her _empty_ pocket. She opened her eyes and looked down into it, as if the item she needed would magically appear had she looked hard enough. It suddenly hit her that she had brought the phone to bed. Her heart stopped for a second, icy realization hitting her like a baseball bat to the face. She had filmed Alex. There was a video of Alex eating her out. Piper felt dizzy again, grabbing the end of the bed to keep herself from falling. It would have to be deleted. She couldn't keep it. God knew she couldn't. But first she had to find the device. Where the fuck had she put it? The blonde walked to the other side of the bed, eyeing it to see if the phone was visible. Why the fuck did she think that it was a good idea to film? She lifted the cover carefully, spotting the device mere inches from her hand. Thank fucking Jesus. Piper grabbed the phone and let go of the cover, hearing the springs under the mattress creak as Alex shifted in the bed. The blonde held her breath, standing completely still. The other woman wet her lips and sighed, stretching out a bit before wiggling into place. Piper couldn't help the fond smile that spread on her lips, eyes watering again. The raven haired woman looked so peaceful, so unaware of the blonde's heartbreak. She walked to the other side of the bed again, standing above the other woman. Alex would be terrified if she woke up, seeing the blonde looming over her. Piper clenched her jaws, forcing down the lump in her throat.

"I love you too," she whispered, lingering by the other woman's side for just a few seconds before leaving the room.

The house was asleep, corridors dimly lit by weak lamps next to every other door, the occasional blue sheen from a window as lightning colored the dark sky outside. There were muffled noises from some of the rooms, noises Piper wasn't remotely interested in hearing. Whatever people were up to, it was none of her business and she intended to keep it that way. When she reached bottom floor, she noticed that the lobby was empty, a sign on the front desk that said closed in capital letters. She left the building, relieved that the middle aged man wasn't present. As she got out, she started shivering right away, the cold rain hitting her like needles. She pulled the robe tighter around her body, a futile attempt to warm herself.

She needed to call John.

Piper picked up her phone and dialed the all too familiar number. John was the person she called whenever she needed, well, anything. She trusted him and he never let her down, always came through for her when she needed someone the most. There were two dial tones before a click was heard, a worried ' _John Frye_ ' coming from the speaker. The blonde was so relieved when he picked up, knees growing weak just from hearing his voice. _So comforting_ ,she thought. His voice was so familiar and he would come to get her, to save her.

"I need you to come get me," she said, voice wavering, words almost inaudible as her teeth were clattering. Piper told him where she was before he could ask the question. He'd told her to stay put and that he was on his way. She hadn't expected to see his car only five minutes later, John driving way over the legal speed limit. He rushed out of the car and put his jacket over her shoulders, the gesture not even nearly as intimate as when Alex had done the same a few hours ago. He didn't say anything, just guided her to the vehicle. She was completely docile, easily maneuvered, eyes staring straight ahead. The rain had drained her, washed away the last remaining energy she'd had. She hadn't even cried while waiting for her bodyguard, feeling like she had ran out of tears. There was nothing left. She had nothing left. She had lost Alex and she would lose Larry, had to lose him. For his own good. He deserved to know the truth and she would hate her for it. The blonde sat down in the car, hearing the door shut beside her. God bless John and his kind heart. The engine started and she could feel the man's eyes on her, worried eyes glancing at her through the rear-view mirror. She swallowed around the growing lump in her throat, stomach twisting uncomfortably. Apparently, she was wrong about being out of tears. Her eyes stung again, salty drops trickling down her cheeks while she stared at the road ahead of the car. She sniveled and that was all it took for her to break down completely.

 _She was a mess._

 **AN:** I hope you liked this chapter. I know that it's long, but I hope it's okay.  
Also, it warms my heart to see all the lovely comments and I'm so, so grateful for the favorites and followers. Thank you all so much!

All the love. xx


	5. As the Stars Blurr in a Drunken Haze

As the Stars Blur in a Drunken Haze

Every Friday for five months, April to September, 26 meetings, excluding their last one, about three hours every time. They had spent about 78 hours with each other, a little over three days. Piper's life wasn't a Disney movie, _clearly_ , so how could she love Alex? How had she developed such strong feelings for a person she had only technically spent _three days_ with? She took a deep breath, taking a big gulp of the fine whiskey she only pulled out when Sam visited. He would never take another sip of the disgusting liquid again, not in her house. She would personally see to it that the liquid fire was long gone before he would even consider visiting. The blonde was so fed up with his bullshit, with his sexist remarks and his misogynistic ways. He was always dropping comments that he masked as jokes or whatever, but he had a deeply rooted hate for women and it _showed_. It showed so much and Piper just wanted to smack his stupid fucking face in with a bat.

It was Friday again and Larry was away, like always, writing on his book. Piper was happy for him, she was, but she also envied him for having a hobby that didn't include heavy drugs and pining after an unachievable woman. He, of course, was also lusting after a woman he couldn't get, but he didn't know that, especially as they were supposed to be getting married soon. He could never get her heart, but he could get her hand. She, on the other hand, could never get Alex's hand. That was not how things worked. The raven haired woman had her heart and Piper had hers, but there would never be more than that, _they_ would never be more than that, never more than two people who could never be together. Woop-di-fucking-do. The only person happy about this arrangement would be Mr. Healy, the big dictator of an adviser. Fuck him and fuck his plans. She downed the whiskey, slamming the glass down on the table and refilled it. Ten more minutes before she would rip her heart out and put it in a glass jar for Sam fucking Healy to see when he visited next time. Alex's heart would be ripped out too, but the blonde hoped that she would be able to pick it up and sow it to its rightful place again. Alex's heart wasn't hers to destroy. She had no right. God, she hoped that she wouldn't shred it completely.

There was a knock on the door, a very ordinary occurrence in her otherwise chaotic life. It was almost like a mockery, a taunting reminder that the world continued like usual even if she was in despair. Piper didn't even answer, wasn't in the mood for insults and that door's very existence was just that at the moment; an insult. If she thought about how ridiculous that statement was, she didn't show it. John entered the room without being told he was allowed to, looking like he weighed his words carefully before speaking. Good man, that John. He didn't need permission as he had practically been her **babysitter** since Tuesday. The best and worst Tuesday of her life.

"Your coffee delivery is here, ma'am." His voice sounded unsure and Piper could tell that he was uncomfortable. The blonde shifted where she sat on the sofa, deciding that standing up was the better option. John closed the door and took a few steps further into the room, making her swallow nervously. She was very obviously drunk, seeing as she swayed back and forth like a pendulum, and while John wasn't the kind of person to judge, Piper wasn't one to be drunk for _business meetings_.

"Ma'am, if I may speak freely?" She gave the man a curt nod despite not wanting him to speak at all.

"I strongly advice you to think over this. It's just a matter of time before someone gets a hold of your secret meetings and it's not hard to figure out what you're doing." The words were harsh, but spoken softly. The blonde wasn't sure if she wanted to hug the man or hit him.

"I know what I'm doing," she slurred, getting defensive even if she actually intended to stop her weekly meetings with the raven haired woman. Also, what exactly had her guard found out? John stepped closer to her, looking almost teary eyed. Or was it Piper who was teary eyed? She wasn't sure.

"Ms. Chap- Piper. There are other ways to deal with depression. Drugs is not the only way out. If anything, it's the way down." The man before her spoke calmly, pedagogically, sounding like he was genuinely scared for her sake. The use of her first name was also a strong indicator that he cared for her. The blonde wet her lips, at a loss of words. She wanted to promise that she would never use drugs again, but she didn't want to tell John something she wasn't sure if she could keep. Piper turned around, facing away from her guard.

"Please, just send her in," she said, voice breaking mid-sentence. A thick silence lay heavy in the room before she heard footsteps leading away from her, the sharp click of a door being opened and more footsteps, other shoes, high heels. Alex had entered the room and the blonde wanted to turn around and take in the other woman's beauty, memorize everything while she still could. Instead, she clenched her jaws, fighting back the tears that threatened to escape, back still turned to the door. There was another click and those footsteps again, getting closer and closer. Piper was screaming on the inside, wanting Alex to come to her senses and just _leave_. How could she reject the only person she had ever loved?

"Hey," the other woman whispered, standing too close and too far away. The blonde couldn't answer, tongue feeling like a brick in her mouth, dry and heavy. She was piss drunk, but felt way too sober for the coming conversation.

"I get that you're busy and all, but a text would've been great." Alex chuckled, masking the hurt poorly. Piper turned her face downward, staring intently on the floorboards in front of her. Of course the other woman was hurting. She'd been left naked on a bed with no clue to where Piper had gone. Had she waited for her to return, only to be disappointed when she didn't even receive a phone call?

"Talk to me, Piper," she demanded, trying to disguise the sadness in the voice with anger. Maybe it would be easier if she just ignored the other woman completely. It would certainly be easier for Alex to move on if she hated Piper. The blonde felt her heart break just a little more at that thought. The raven haired woman inhaled deeply, breath wavering slightly.

"Did I do something wrong?" Alex sounded weak, like she would burst into tears any second. Piper turned around so fast that she nearly tripped on her own feet, head throwing her in for a loop. She had to steady herself by grabbing the back of the sofa.

"No!" the blonde exclaimed, putting a stop to those thoughts immediately. There was a small crease between the other woman's eyebrows and maybe a hint of tears in her eyes. The blonde hated herself for being the cause of this. It looked like Alex hadn't slept for days. Neither had Piper, too busy drinking and digging a metaphorical hole for her to die in. She'd had countless nights with pity parties where only she was invited, countless as in two nights.

"Don't think that for even a second," she continued, whispering this time. If she slurred, the other woman didn't mention it. Alex's mouth opened slightly and she looked so helpless, so lost. God, Piper wanted to kiss that mouth. She wanted to kiss her and tell her that they would find a way to be together, that they would be okay. She didn't. Only stayed silent as the raven haired woman's face crumbled further.

"Then what's wrong?" She moved closer, making the blonde back up a step or two. Alex closed her mouth and clenched her jaws, gaze harder than before.

"You have to talk to me if we're gonna work this out. I _wanna_ work this out." Piper could have turned around again, hiding the tears that welled up in her eyes, but she didn't. She stood still, but lowered her gaze, cheeks getting stained by watery beads. The only thing she did nowadays was crying, it felt like. The skin around her eyes was even red and sore, having been rubbed constantly for three days straight. She shook her head and furrowed her eyebrows, more tears spilling.

"Hey," Alex said, drawing out the vowel. She walked closer and before Piper could turn away, her hand was on the blonde's cheek, thumb wiping away a tear. The other woman forced her head up in a gentle motion, gazing into bloodshot blue, worry and perplexity evident in her eyes. The blonde leaned into the soft touch, regretting her decision right away. It showed that she cared, that whatever came out from her mouth next would be a lie. She was a good liar, but not now, not when the raven haired woman stood so close to her with her heart on display.

"I don't want this. This is disgusting," she said, heart cold. If she moved, it would break, scatter into smithereens as it was just a thin shell of ice. It was no longer her heart. Her heart had died three days ago. Alex's hand stiffened, fell to her side, and Piper couldn't tear her eyes away from the fatal car crash in front of her. The other's face crumbled, looking unsure and so, so _hurt_. She wanted to take it back, but if the raven haired woman could just hate her, everything would work, everything would... it would be for the better. Alex had become blue, just like the rest of her life. The fiery woman looked at her with empty eyes, her bright orange and red flame now a dying blue. She suddenly furrowed her eyebrows, eyes hard and aggressive as she wet her lips, ready to fire a salve of bullets. The blue fire grew into a red hot flame, burning the blonde as she stood too close.

"Are you kidding me?" she spat. "Are you _fucking_ kidding me?" The raven haired woman looked to the side for a second, shaking her head before turning back to her again. She did that thing where she shifted her focus between Piper's eyes, looking for something, answers maybe. The blonde would have wanted answers too if the roles had been reversed.

"You are such a bad fucking liar, Piper," she said harshly, the slight waver in her voice giving away uncertainty. The blonde felt as if she was stuck between a brick wall and a car driving against it with full throttle, being crushed completely. All her organs were pushed up into her throat and all she wanted to do was to puke. She had to keep a straight face, though. She had to keep up the pretense.

"It's not a lie," she said, letting the acid words grow more poisonous. "What we are doing- were doing- it's not gonna happen again. I just wanted to try, nothing more. It was just a bad idea. You were a mistake." The words leaving her mouth sounded so foreign to her, like it was a recording, but with her voice. It left a bitter taste in her mouth, a blue taste. Blue lungs, blue breath, blue words and everything _hurt_. Alex hurt. The other woman's mouth opened, a humorless laughter leaving it.

"I was a mistake? That's fucking rich." Another short laugh. "Piper, _you_ are the mistake, present tense."

"But hey, don't worry. Mistakes belong to the past, right, so you'll never fucking see me again." There was a quick quirk to the other woman's eyebrow, as if to punctuate her words, before she turned on her heels and walked to the door. The steps echoed between the walls, sound scarring her eardrums, creating unwanted memories by simply resonating in the room, etching the jarring noise of Alex leaving into her brain. She didn't even glance back before exiting the room, leaving Piper alone with her self-created snow storm. The blonde felt like she was on a glacier, stuck under snow from a previous avalanche. She had screamed at the top of her lungs only to be buried by the cold mass now surrounding her body. It was self inflicted and she couldn't wait for the oxygen to run out, suffocating in self loathing. Piper felt both sober and drunk at the same time. Sober enough to fully take in what had just happened, but drunk enough to fall to the floor with the room spinning around her. She shut her eyes to shut out the nauseating motion, seeing stars before her instead. Stars speeding by her so fast that they looked more like stripes on a black night sky, blurred together as to prevent her from making more wishes. She was on a rocket ship, on her way to the moon. But it didn't stop. It just kept driving and driving and driving, making her sick again. When she opened her eyes, she found that she was laying down on her back. Her face was wet and she couldn't tell if she was crying again or if she was sweating. She was cold, her whole body like an ice sculpture, but she also felt like she was burning up, melting. Neither was numbing. The scorching heat burned her skin off and the ice turned her limbs into black, frostbitten flesh. The organs had started malfunctioning, lungs too weak to expand, heart now shattered into a million pieces, brain a mess of _what ifs_. Her body was dying with her sanity, nothing would be left whole. And yet her heart would still pump blood through her veins, chanting Alex's name with every beat. People say that life's a blessing, but to her, it was a constant reminder of everything she had ever done wrong. She did Alex so wrong and now she was forced to live with it. Piper allowed herself to cry again, tears running down her face like rivers. To hell with restrictions, she hadn't had any for the last five months anyway. Where had she gone so fucking wrong? When had she taken a wrong turn? When she tried to recollect her steps, all she could see was a man's face, framed by gray hair, but she couldn't blame Sam for her own faults. Sure, he was a big part of her decision-making, but she had chosen to be an asshole herself. If only she could pinpoint the exact moment everything went south and if only she could go back in time to prevent everything from happening. She didn't want to hurt anymore. Piper put her arm over her eyes, trying to shield herself from reality.

There was a tentative knock on the door.

She heard footsteps coming closer, not Alex's footsteps. Someone sat down beside her, pulling her into an attempted embrace. The blonde melted into the other person's arms, knowing full well that it was John's. He hushed her and stroke her back, rocking her back and forth as if she was a baby.

"I'm sorry," she cried, not knowing why she apologized. John just kept hushing her, comforting her.

"You'll be okay. We can fix this. We can fix you," he whispered. Piper shook her head. He couldn't fix her, she couldn't fix her, hell, even God couldn't fix her. She kept sobbing, kept mumbling apologizes into the man's chest, still not knowing what she was apologizing for, or rather, why she was apologizing to the wrong person. Or maybe she had done bad by John too, treated him wrong somehow. There was a lot she had done wrong in the past months, the past years even, and now she was paying for all of it. Everything came crashing down and she hadn't even told Larry about anything yet. There was more to come for her and she had to prepare for impact, but it felt impossible. She had broken every bone in her body and had them removed, ripped from her while newly crushed. How could she take another hit when she was already fractured and torn to pieces, spread out with no chance of recovery? It was something that needed to happen, though, something to make things right. She needed to suffer to make amends, to restore the universe's balance and take responsibility for the pain she had caused and was about to cause. Her body lay limp against John's, shaking under his gentle hand. He kept stroking her back in a comforting manner, but it didn't help. It was better that way, better to be reminded of her demolished _everything_.

She was just a broken mosaic with a fading blue.

 **AN:** This, my lovlies, was the last chapter of Blue Pieces of a Broken Mosaic. I want to thank you all for leaving such lovely reviews and thank you all for following and favoriting. I know that it's short, but this was the plan all along. You might be disappointed, but I may or may not write a sequel. Don't hold your breath, though.

Again, thank you so much for reading this short little fic. As always;

All the love. xx


End file.
